The Dreaded Memo

To any new teacher, I offer this advice... learn to prioritize.

Anyone who has ever worked anywhere ever, has received a flurry of inane memos. The dreaded memo. A new teacher might mistakenly believe that each of these pieces of future garbage is actually important! NO NO! Learn well that you can sift through them and remain a less-stressed, relatively happier teacher.

The way I view memos is thus: imagine yourself as a T.V. viewer, the advertisements are fighting for your attention and your hard earned American greenbacks. As with any company, you realize there are many different departments within an organization - EACH FEELING THEIR DEPARTMENT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE and whose sole job is to put out memos to make you believe it. Does human resources care about school security? No. Does the math department give a crap about social studies? No. Does the fundraising for the baseball team know or even care that you already gave money to the multi-cultural club? HELL no! Yet they are ALL fighting for your attention. It's up to YOU to decide which is the most important and which can be placed in the circular file. (Garbage)

Back in my old school, we had a woman who was similar to Bill Lumbergh from Office Space. I foolishly tried to befriend her before I got to know her for the manipulating bitch she was. One of the tactics she would use was withholding information ESPECIALLY when it came to the memos. I would ask, "So S. do you know where the meeting is this afternoon?" The reply: "Oh, didn't you get that memo? It said it right in the memo. I can't believe you didn't get it... they gave them to everybody. Let me see if I can find it." (She would scurry through her belongings.) "Ah, here it is.... now let's see..." Basically taking her time and knowing that she was rubbing in that SHE had information I needed and "exposing" that I really didn't give a shit about where the damn meeting was, or for that matter, anything these damn memos said... ever.

Of course unless they're good and hilarious.

At the beginning of the school year, we got a really good one.


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Date: September 13, 2004
Subject: Alcoholic Beverages

Please be advised that alcoholic beverages are strictly prohibited on school property.

Thank you for you cooperation.


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This memo is the "I'm-talking-to-the-group-but-really-addressing-one-person-and-we-all-know-who-it-is-but-the-administration-is-not-trying-to-fingerpoint-even-though-we-really-are" memo. You know someone stupid brought booze to school and probably played dumb about it, hence, the memo had to be written.

This one is a similar one, but really addresses a number of people in my building. I just like the wording, and keep in mind... both of these memos are written VERBATIM, errors and all. If there is a spelling error, it was in the memo - INCLUDING the bold, specifically the three !!!'d BOLD FACE PLEASE at the end. It ended just like that. "Please!!!"

What I also love about it, is the date... June 2, 2005. Why not wait til the last day of school?


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Date: June 2, 2005
Subject: APPROPRIATE PROFESSIONAL ATTIRE

We assume the following:
1. We are all adults.
2. We are all professionals.
3. We understnad the tremendous influence we have in our positions as role models.
4. We know that our students have little or no control over their hormones and impules. [sic]

That being the case:
1. We must dress like adults.
2. We must dress like professionals.
3. We must dress knowing we are role models.
4. And we must dress in a manner which does not in any way stir up those adolescent hormones/impulses into a frenzy.

We must wear:
1. Clean clothes.
2. Nothing which reveals skin between the neckline and the knee.
3. Nothing we would wear to the dump on Saturday.
4. Nothing so tight that there is nothing left to imagine.
5. Nothing we would be ashamed to wear to our favorite Aunt's house for the holidays.

Please!!!


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So to all you new teachers out there... learn to prioritize. If the paper has your name HAND WRITTEN on it, keep it. If it is a generic paper tha tyou see each teacher has in his or her mail box... chances are its a tosser. Of course, don't blame me if you get fired for not reading the memo about the principal's Christmas party. Just learn that each memo is not the end of the world.