It Stings

In my previous life I was a reporter/photographer for a small weekly newspaper. Mostly we covered schools – the philosophy being, the parents would buy 40 copies of the paper to give to grammy, grampy, Uncle Ned, Aunt Florence, etc. when junior was in it. As a result, I photographed a lot of science fairs.

This one time I was at a school photographing kids doing something, I forget what exactly. When I was at these events, I would shoot, shoot, shoot, and then bounce. You got paid a flat rate, and whether you spent an hour there or 10 minutes didn’t matter. Your time was yours. So you got there, you got your pictures and you got the hell out.

The thing I do remember about this event, however – and as I said, I was taking just random, candid photos – is when I was about to snap off a picture, the teacher present at this event, told me to wait on one picture, and she shoved a young black boy into my shot. I was seriously offended on several levels. First off, I was simply taking random shots – and this teacher’s “white guilt” led her to ruin a candid moment for her sense of “diversity.” It’s not like I was AVOIDING taking pictures of black kids…

So I told my kids this story… showing them how guilty white people (SOME white people) feel, etc.

At the end of class, one of my students came up to me and said, “Mister… aren’t you doing the same thing?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re a white teacher teaching at a black school… aren’t you ‘doing your time?’”

“Well I did grow up here in the Bronx… I did grow up really close to here, so I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. Are you asking if I am feeling guilty about something?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well at the very least you are questioning my motives, aren’t you?”

“I’m just asking WHY you are doing it.”

OUCH!

This has kind of bothered me since yesterday. First off, I don’t feel that I am “doing” any time. I am not treating my kids any differently than I would treat any kids anywhere. Second, I was really surprised at the sort of accusatory tone of this student.

Then I got to thinking, if I am doing my best to get them to question anything and everything, should I be surprised that turned that questioning on me?

Either way, it really stung me, partly because I was sort of offended at the question, and partly because in a way, maybe she’s right?

I didn’t want to tell her that the NYC Teaching Fellows puts inexperienced teachers in their classrooms. I didn’t want to tell her that I could be making a lot more money in the suburbs - but the administration is on your back constantly. I didn’t want to tell her that there is a reason teachers stay in this school for on average 3-4 years and then bounce. (Some only stay two years – BARELY.) I didn't want to tell her there are times that I feel like I am not wanted here - and those times are growing more frequent. I didn't want to tell her that sometimes I hate working here and consider packing it in and seeking employment elsewhere.

It’s all well and good when students question others, but man does it smart when they turn that questioning on you.